Y’all. Trying to do it all isn’t easy. I’m sure you all know exactly what I’m talking about so instead of preaching to the choir, please just commiserate with me, friends. I have the desire to do so many things each day but not enough of the energy required to do them.

My new job is going really well. I’m settling in, I’ve moved into my own office, and I’m quickly picking up all of my responsibilities. But the transition at home for my family is slow going. Sebastian is having a little trouble adjusting to daycare, which is totally normal. His fever ended up being hand, foot, mouth disease (a viral infection like a cold that is really common for kids his age) but luckily he recovered quickly, but we had to work from home for a few days. Nick and I are having trouble adjusting to the new routine, which is only exacerbated by Sebastian’s a rough time adjusting to daycare because he wakes us up a bunch at night seeking comfort and reassurance that we’re still there. Because we’re not getting a full night’s sleep, we’re waking up much later than we should, so mornings are hectic. I’m drinking copious amounts of coffee. Work time is for work, obviously. Then we come home, cook dinner, bathe Sebastian and put him to bed. Then I have about 2 hours to live my life before I pass out from exhaustion. Sound familiar? I thought so.

Around this time time last year, I had just returned to work from my brief maternity leave and was missing Sebastian like crazy. I was only allowed six weeks off following his birth because I had just started a new job and didn’t have enough time built up for FMLA benefits. I was so looking forward to the three-day holiday weekend filled with the baby snuggles that I wasn’t getting during the week while Sebastian was in daycare. We didn’t have anything planned for the Memorial Day Weekend except for a picnic that I had been looking forward to for a while.

How long is it supposed to take to find one’s purpose?

I worry that it will take me a lifetime to figure out who I am and what I want to do with it, and by then, it’ll be too late. I’ve always been envious of folks who seem to have it all figured out. Those who have somehow always possessed a sense of who they wanted to be and what path they had to take to be it. Disciplined, ambitious, eager. You must embody those principles to achieve your goals. This is how I would like to describe myself but my mid-twenties seemed to knock those words right out of my vocabulary. I find that life just keeps throwing curve balls and when that happens, you have to widen your stance, maybe choke up on the bat, and stay focused. This is where I am now, trying to stay focused on what my life is and how to drive it to where I want to be.

So, anywhere, here’s an update on my life lately.

When your wind-blown look is on point.

Work work work work work

It’s been four months since I quit my job. I’ve started casually looking for work again since I do have student loans that need to be paid, but if I’m completely honest, I’m not ready to go back. I love staying home with Sebastian and having the freedom to run errands whenever I want to. But I’m taking comfort in the fact that I’m trying to find something more fulfilling, making the transition a little easier.

Sebastian turned one!

Day of birth | One year old

Sebastian turned one earlier this month. This little dude definitely keeps me busy and I’m loving every minute of it – although I do wish I were better at time management so I could blog a little more. The year has definitely flown by but we’ve had a lot of fun (and stresses) during it.

My heart is doing well

Wearing red in February to support hearth health.

I’m almost a year out from my heart attack (May 27) and I’m feeling pretty good – better than I thought I would be at this point. While I still have some anxiety every now and then, I’ve learned my triggers and how to manage them, and my responses to them. My anxiety mostly manifests itself physically in the form of the heart attack symptoms I experienced last year (basically a mild form of PTSD) and it’s exacerbated when I don’t sleep well for several days and I try to make up for being tired with drinking too much coffee. So I do  my best to get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, and that usually works pretty well.

Spring is finally here.

The beautiful sunshine and warmer breezes have inspired me to take more outfit photos. Getting to wear my cute spring clothes definitely helps, too! See what I mean:

Crochet top, floral cardigan, and purple pants mean Spring is here!

Light sweater, distressed denim, and cute booties. Hello, Spring!

I’m planning to get back to regularly posting outfit photos to don’t forget to follow along. Stick around to find out what else happens in this life of mine.

It’s the beginning of the year and I’m in some kind of place that’s a little hard to describe. I’m trying to figure out my life and my next moves after I quit my new job after only 11 months to focus on my health and to take care of my son. And I’m glad I’m home now because Sebastian just got his first ear infection on account of a lingering cold and I’m here to snuggle him until he’s better.

It was in those quiet morning hours I spent snuggling a snotty baby that I stumbled upon a documentary called Minimalism: A Documentary about Important Things, and it really spoke to me. Since the baby was born, and especially since we started amassing a ton of toys and things for him, I’ve wanted to cut down on the clutter that has collected in my house. I bought the Marie Kondo book a while back with the intention of KonMari-ing my house, but after a few chapters, I became overwhelmed. The practice of keeping only the things that spark joy sounds great in theory, but the practice of holding each and every thing you own, waiting for it to spark joy or not sounds like chaos. I imagine opening every drawer and pulling things out until all my stuff is strewn about, causing more clutter than before, and I can’t handle it. But I suppose that’s the point.

photo source

Anyway, one interview in the documentary made the point that we should be making our space accommodate our lifestyles instead of making our lifestyles accommodate our space. For example, if you purchase a house that is bigger than your lifestyle requires, you’ll likely purchase a bunch of unnecessary stuff to fill the empty space in your big house and all that stuff rarely induces happiness. And because we’re not happy with our stuff, we keep wanting to buy more material things to find that happiness we crave.

It also emphasized that when we stop focusing so much on material things, we have more time and energy (and money!) to spend building our experiences and social relationships. I like the sound of that. And what I found MOST surprising (although I’m not sure why) is that fast fashion is the main culprit of this consumer culture we now live in. They said that in our parents’ and grandparents’ generations, they dressed for warm weather and cold weather, whereas now, we have 52 seasons a year. Fifty-two. THAT’S A NEW SEASON EVERY WEEK. And that’s a calculated move because clothing companies want you to feel like you’re out of trend after one week so that you’ll buy something new the next week. That is just crazy.

Even before watching the documentary, I was ready to cut down on all the stuff. A few months ago I started gathering up all the clothes and accessories I don’t wear anymore, which then led to me scouring the rest of my house, identifying everything I was ready to toss. The intention was to make a few extra bucks in a yard sale. But that was months ago and now there’s snow on the ground and a pile of stuff taking up room in the nursery, just waiting to be disposed of in some way.

I still want to get rid of everything that we don’t use and only keep things that spark joy, but I find that actually getting rid of the things is the hardest part. And not because of the emotional connection I have with my things (this used to be a thing for me when I was younger – I once kept an ugly blue chair for YEARS even though we didn’t use it simply because I got it for my first apartment) but because I just don’t know what to do with it. The easiest option is hauling it to the Goodwill down the street, but there are other options, as well, like Habitat for Humanity for my housewares, etc. I’d still like to have a yard sale to see if we can make a few bucks, but I’d have to wait until the spring when folks are more likely to seek out yard sales. That also means the stuff sitting in my house for, like, three more months! Nick has suggested selling things online (FB Market, Ebay, Craigslist, etc.) but that requires taking pictures of each individual item and I don’t have the time nor patience for that. So, unless he wants to do all that, we wait.

photo source

But all of this is to say I’ve decided to move toward minimalism. I mean, I’m not ready to sell all of my stuff and move my family into a tiny house (although I would love to have a tiny house in my back yard to use as a guest home for my friends and family who come visit) but I am ready to get rid of the junk in my house and keep only the things I need, the things that spark joy, and the things we use regularly. I want to focus less on things and more on people and experiences. I’m going to consume consciously and follow these last two important lessons from the documentary: before I purchase something new, I will ask myself if it adds value to my life, and I will love people and use things, because the opposite never works.

Let’s play What’s in my Purse: Nikki Edition.

You know those posts that bloggers do sometimes when they’re giving you a peak into their handbags? I find those posts really interesting, UNLESS they’ve been paid to showcase a product. Yes, I often throw a pack of travel tissues in there, but they’re the off-brand ones from Target not from Kleenex. But I digress.

I should probably confess that I don’t even like purses that much. I’d rather carry a few necessities in a wallet that fits in my pocket like guys do, but 1) I don’t always have pockets because sexist clothes makers don’t always include them in women’s clothes and 2) my necessities don’t always fit neatly in a little wallet. So, alas, I carry a purse. That’s probably why I just end up with a lot of crap in there.

The Bag

Anne Klein (via Belk)

I picked this one out for my birthday about a year ago. I liked it because it was a nice neutral color, it has a divider pocket, and it was a really great size for my stuff. I’ve already mentioned that I don’t really like purses but I get very picky about what I’ll carry. This has been one of my favorite bags so far.

The Contents

It really wasn’t as bad as I thought. Here’s what was in there:

Checkbook: I can’t be the only person who carries a checkbook any more, right?

Feminine hygiene products: Obviously.

Tissues: To blow my nose.

Hand sanitizer(s): Germs are everywhere so it’s important to keep some hand sanitizer on you at all times. Especially after dropping off and picking up the kid from daycare. I love those kids, but damn are they germy! I don’t know why I have two of them, though.

Sugar packet: In case I need it for my coffee?

Napkins: They come in handy for messes.

Extra medicine stored in a yellow kinder egg: I have to take medicine every day and I really shouldn’t miss a dose, so I keep extra meds in my purse just in case I’m running late in the morning and forget to take them before leaving the house.

Chewing gun: Sometimes I need to freshen my breath, other times it serves as a great grounding technique. I use grounding techniques for when I have a panicked moment. These grounding skills help keep me in the present and are helpful in managing overwhelming feelings or intense anxiety. Chewing gum allows my mind to focus on the taste and chewing sensation instead of the chaos that it wants to create.

Tide To Go stain stick: I can be a messy person. My husband can be even messier. And we have a kid. This thing gets used at least once per day.

Tylenol: For headaches and other pains.

Small travel fan: For when I get hot. But in all honesty, my fan is my go-to grounding technique for my panicked moments. Using this fan lets my mind focus on the air hitting my face instead of the racing thoughts in my brain. It’s the most effective technique I’ve found alongside chewing gum.

Pens: In case I need to write something down.

A bag full of extra pens and random lipstick: Okay, so here’s the thing. I’m a pen and napkin hoarder. I have no idea why but I feel like these are two things that I must have on me at all time. I guess it makes sense to have napkins in case I make a mess (and they come in handy for the kid’s messes) but the pens? I guess it’s just really important for me to write things down the second I have a thought. AND when it comes to paying for a meal and the server only has 2 pens for a group of 6 people.

Notebook: For when I have ideas or need to jot down notes.

Chap stick and lipsticks: To keep my lips kissable.

Nail file: I hate it when I break a nail and can’t smooth it out. It will drive me nuts all day, so I keep a nail file for just in case.

Headphones: I think this one is pretty obvious, too.

Purse hook: So I can hang my purse from the table or other surface so I don’t have to sit it on a public floor.

Wallet: Obviously.

Not pictured: a bunch of old receipts, the necklace & bracelet I wore to work and decided to remove at some point in the day, some more napkins, and a piece of mail I grabbed on the way in from my car.

I’ve heard that a look inside someone’s bag is a look into their life. I’m a nosy person by nature and I want to know how other people live their lives (this is basically why I even read blogs) so if you’re going to show me the nitty gritty of what’s in your bag/life, then dammit, I’m gonna look! But I suppose it’s only fair that if you show me yours then I show you mine. It was time to clean out my purse so I saw a good opportunity to give you a peak of my life. And now that I think about it, it’s true: my life feels as random yet vaguely put together as all of the stuff I just pulled out of my bag.