Skip. Like what happens when you hear a loud clap of thunder that makes you jump up out of your chair, but instead I’m just sitting at my desk in my quiet office, staring at the computer screen.

Flutter. Like the butterflies you get in your stomach when you’re nervous, but instead it happens in my chest while I’m sitting quietly on the couch, watching the evening news.

Race. Like when you’re watching your favorite sports team hit the winning shot right at the buzzer, but instead I’m sitting in a bumper-to-bumper traffic jam.

These are the peculiar sensations I’ve been feeling in my chest lately. For the average person, they’re no big deal. For the anxious person, they’re pretty common. For someone who is about 3 months post-heart attack like me, they’re cause for concern. My primary care physician thought that these sensations were simply due to stress. She made me go to the cardiologist, who agreed that it was probably just stress because everything else looked fine, but hooked me up to a holter monitor just to be sure.

Holter monitor, hour 1

A holter monitor is a small, portable monitor that measures your heart’s rhythm. I wore this monitor for 48 hours last week. Every time I felt a skip, a flutter, or a racing sensation, I pressed a button on the side to record the sensation in the results and then I described in a little journal exactly what I felt and what I was doing when I felt it. At the end of the two days, someone read the monitor and compared it to the notes in my journal to figure out what was causing my heart to act up like this.

Holter monitor, 24 hours

My two biggest fears regarding the results were on opposite ends of the spectrum. On one hand, I was afraid that the results would come back totally normal and would not show anything wrong. You’d think this is the best case scenario, but for me and my anxious mind, it would mean that I’m just crazy and/or hallucinating these sensations when I absolutely KNEW I wasn’t. On the other hand, I was afraid that the results would come back showing something catastrophic, like my heart was giving out and I only had a few more days to live, all the while wondering how I even made it this long.

Holter monitor, hidden under my shirt and in my jeans pockets

I got the results back this week and, luckily, they were right where I’d want them to be, comforting every so slightly my chaotic mind. They found that my heart rhythm is normal and that the ‘fluttering’ sensations correlated with occasional premature heart beats. These are benign but can feel strange or abnormal. Ultimately, there is no clinical concern but I should try to control my stress levels, as stress exacerbates the prematurely timed beats.

So, I’m not going to die of heart failure any time soon, which is good news. I do feel the occasional skip and flutter but my mind doesn’t automatically assume the worst. I’m working on addressing the stress in my life, which is extremely difficult given that I’m a new mom with a hectic work schedule. I’m slowly getting to a point where, when I feel my heart make its weird beats, it feels a little more like this:

Skip. Like when I see Nick and Sebastian after a long day and it makes my heart skip a beat.

Flutter. Like when my closed eyelashes lightly brush against Nick’s closed eyelashes during a long kiss. 

Race. Like when Sebastian is about to roll over/crawl for the first time and I’m so nervous for him but I know he’s strong and can do it. 

This weekend, Nick and I went on a quick picnic date by the lake. It was doctor’s orders.

For the past few months, I’ve been experiencing a lot of health-related anxiety as a result of my surprise postpartum heart attack. I’ve been seeing a really great therapist for a little more than a month now, and I’m happy to report that my anxiety has subsided pretty significantly thanks to the grounding techniques she taught me. In our last session, she asked how my relationship with Nick was going. After a moment of silence, I said, “Things are good, but they could be better.” And it was true because it has been a while since Nick and I have really connected.

While I was busy focusing on keeping my anxiety-fueled freak outs at bay, Nick was focusing on keeping up with the day-to-day. We were constantly cleaning baby bottles, washing spit up off our clothes, and passing the baby back and forth; with that and work, we didn’t really have time for much else. When this became our norm, we stopped talking to each other about our life, our dreams and plans… hell, we barely even talked to each other about how our days were going. It was like we were on autopilot just trying to get through the days, and it was starting to feel like we were roommates working toward the same goal – to care for Sebastian and the house – instead of a husband and wife team running our lives together. I didn’t realize how easy it was to lose sight of important things like love and marriage when you’re spending all your time caring for a kid. Of course I’ve heard of it happening, but to other people. Right? I would never let that happen to me and my marriage. Right?

So my therapist suggested that we find a sitter for the baby and spend some quality time together, just the two of us, to reconnect a bit. And that’s what we did. We left the Sebmeister with Nana and PopPop and set out for a little picnic.

We settled down in a spot by the lake. We sat on our blanket and ate our little snacks and relaxed and talked. We chatted about the upgrades we want to do to the house, the vegetables I want to learn to pickle, and we made a little plan to get started, something we regularly did before Sebastian came along. We watched the boats drive by, pulling teenage boys on water skis. We discussed how cool it would be to live on a lake. Neither of us really care to have a boat but a jet ski would be awesome! As we watched three kids whiz past us on a jet ski, Nick said, “You probably wouldn’t let me go fast, would you? You’d be afraid of falling off.” I pointed out that falling off of a jet ski wouldn’t be too bad because I would land in the water.

Ultimately, we agreed that lakes are better than the ocean.

We had just gotten really comfortable on our blanket when big, fat rain drops started falling. They fell slowly, just enough to be slightly annoying. “This is like a metaphor for our lives,” I said. “We try to do something nice and simple for ourselves and then we get rained on.” Nick looked at me and replied, “Yeah, but what really matters is how you react to it. It’s just a few little drops, not a downpour. We’ll get through it.”

This is why Nick is my rock. He keeps me grounded and he helps me see that things aren’t always as bad as my mind makes them out to be. He calms the storm that the anxiety creates in my mind, and he loves me even when I’m at my worst.

Unfortunately our picnic was cut short by the rain as the slow, fat rain drops soon turned into a warm summer storm and we had to retreat to a covered shelter until it passed. But it served its purpose. We renewed our connection and promised that we would get better about regularly making time for each other in the future. We aren’t going to be undone by a few little rain drops. We always get through it.

Molly of Still Being Molly shared a really fun post last week where she listed 50 random things about her that no one knew or even asks about, and then encouraged her readers to do the same.

I used to LIVE for these questionnaire-type surveys way back in the day when I was in middle and early high school. I would fill them out with answers that I thought made me sound super cool and then forward it to ALL of my friends. I basically answered the same questions over and over and over with enough XoXo’s and ~*~*~’s to make you want to vomit. But it was fun and one of my favorite things about the early internet, and now Molly has basically given me permission to do it again! So here goes 🙂

1. What’s your favorite candle scent?
Anything that smells like clean laundry. I don’t really care for super sweet or food scents so fresh laundry, or just clean in general, is the way to go.

2. What female celebrity do you wish you were related to?
Amy Poehler. She’s my spirit animal.

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3. What male celebrity do you wish was your brother?
Chris Pratt. He seems like he would be a fun and caring brother

4. What’s your favorite thing about marriage? (And if you’re not married, what’s your favorite thing about being single?)
Knowing that no matter what may come our way, Nick and I will face it together. There’s nothing I have to do on my own if I don’t want to, and vice versa. We’re always there for each other and it makes life a little easier.

5. What’s one thing you own that you should probably get rid of, but just can’t?
I have a box of old t-shirts that I never wear, but I don’t want to get rid of them because they’re very meaningful to me. For example, there are some from plays I did in college, sport teams, etc. I’ve thought about finding someone who can make them into a quilt for me, but I just can’t get rid of them.

6. Can you do a split?
Unfortunately, I cannot.

7. How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike?
I’m sure I was like 5 or 6. I don’t remember a lot about riding bikes when I was a kid because I lived in a very rural area so there wasn’t anywhere to ride them.

8. How many oceans have you swam in?
Sadly, only one. The Atlantic ocean.

9. How many countries have you been to?
Only this one.

10. Is anyone in your family in the army?
My grandfather was in the army, my father was in the national guard, and my aunt was in the navy.

11. What was your favorite TV show when you were a child?
I remember loving the TGIF lineup on ABC, which included Family Matters, Boy Meets World, Full House, Step-by-Step, Perfect Strangers, etc. I also loved a claymation series called Bump in the Night that featured a cute little green monster named Mr. Bumpy who lived under the bed of a little boy and ate his socks.

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12. What did you dress up as on Halloween when you were eight?
I think that was the year I dressed up as Princess Jasmine.

13. Have you read any of the Harry Potter, Hunger Games or Twilight series?
Yes, I’ve read all three.

14. Would you rather have an American accent or a British accent?
It would be cool to have a British accent but I don’t hate my American one.

15. Have you ever taken karate lessons?
No 🙁 But my brother did when he was a kid, so that’s cool.

16. Do you know who Kermit the frog is?
Yes. It ain’t easy being green.

17. What’s the first amusement park you’ve been to?
Ghost Town in the Sky, which used to exist in Western NC. And then after that, Carowinds.

18. What language, besides your native language, would you like to be fluent in?
I’m mostly fluent in Spanish but I would like to be even more fluent. Then I would like to learn French or Italian.

19. Do you spell the color as grey or gray?
Gray.

20. Do you know triplets?
Nope, sure don’t.

21. Do you prefer Titanic or The Notebook?
I have fond memories of Titanic, as it was the movie I was watching when I first french kissed a boy! I was 13 years old.

22. Have you ever had Indian food?
It’s some of my favorite food!

23. What’s the name of your favorite restaurant?
Mateos bar de tapas; Nanataco; and Chico’s. But I love food so I’ll eat pretty much anywhere!

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24. Have you ever been to Olive Garden?
Yes. The salad and bread sticks are worth it. Sorry not sorry.

25. What would your parents have named you if you were the opposite gender?
I’m not sure about the boy name, but they almost named me Heather Lynn… how’s that for a southern name?

26. If you have a nickname, what is it?
The friends I met through my last job call me Nikki Nicole. This is because, when I was younger, there were a few times someone would ask what my middle name is and I would tell them Nicole and they thought my name was Nikki Nicole  because they didn’t realize that Nikki is short for Nicole.

27. Who’s your favorite person in the world? 
My son and my husband. It’s a tie.

28. Would you rather live in a rural area or in the suburbs?
I’ve lived in both and I enjoy the suburbs much more than the rural area. There’s more to do, a greater sense of community, and less travel time to most places.

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29. Can you whistle?
Nope! I try so hard but I just can’t get it.

30. Do you sleep with a nightlight?
Yes, actually, I do. Sebastian still sleeps in our room with us and I like to have a little bit of light so I can see him when I get up to nurse in the middle of the night but I don’t want too much light that it wakes us all up completely, making it hard to fall back to sleep.

31. Do you eat breakfast every morning?
Yes. Sometimes it’s while I’m getting ready for work, sometimes it’s in the car, and sometimes it’s after I’ve already gotten to work but I eat every morning. The hectic nature in which I eat my breakfast during the week is why I value taking my time during breakfast/brunch on the weekends.

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32. How many times have you been to the hospital?
None up until recently and then twice in the past year. The first time to give birth to Sebastian and the second time to receive treatment for a postpartum heart attack.

33. Have you ever seen Finding Nemo?
Several times. The first time I saw it was at the theater on campus when I was in undergrad.

34. Where do you buy your jeans?
Old Navy, Gap, and sometimes Stitch Fix

35. What’s the last compliment you got?
How adorable my baby is, and how good I look since having him and/or since my heart attack.

36. Do you usually remember your dreams in the morning?
Almost always. Especially the ones with the same themes, which is most often that I’m in a new location (usually a hotel or place of business) and I’m trying to find my room/destination but I just can’t. The elevator never takes me to the correct floor or something else happens so that I never reach my destination

37. Favorite beverage that isn’t water?
Does coconut water count? If not, then I drink a lot of coffee and Pepsi.

38. How many pairs of shoes do you currently own?
Too many! I’ve never counted them but I would estimate I have around 30 pairs. One of my goals this year is to pare down my collection to only the shoes I absolutely love.

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39. How old were you when you found out that Santa wasn’t real?
Probably around 5? My dad says I was always asking questions about how Santa got into our house since we didn’t have a chimney so I probably figured it out pretty early.

40. What is one food that you used to hate but now you love?
Brussels sprouts. Especially when they’re roasted with a little bit of apple cider vinegar, brown sugar, and pancetta. Yum!

41. What is a weird lie you’ve told?
Probably that I really like something when I actually don’t. Or maybe I just don’t care about it as much as I made it believe.

42. Heels or flats?
As I get older, I find myself gravitating toward flats… or at the very least, lower heels.

43. Do you have any weird phobias?
Phobias, no. Anxiety, all of them.

44. What is a phrase or word you always say?
“I love it.” Because I’m trying to find the good in everything, I suppose.

45. What is a song that you bast or belt out when you are alone?
Despacito (the original one, not the Justin Beiber version) “Firmo en las paredes de tu laberinto!”

46. What is one of your biggest pet peeves?
Lately it’s how everyone feels they can freely comment on my plans to have more children. They don’t realize how hurtful they’re being when they say, “you should have more kids!” or “when are you having another one?” because they don’t know my situation.

47. Do you sleep with your closet door open or closed?
Closed. I can’t sleep if it’s open.

48. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?
Bees. I feel like I’d have a much better chance of survival with the bees.

49. Do you have any weird things you do?
I have a lot of weird things that I do.

50. What movie could you watch over and over again and still love?
To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar.

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Moana.

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And it’s not a movie, but I am obsessed with Parks & Recreation; it’s my favorite show in the whole wide world.

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2016 was a bumpy year for Nick and me. It started out great; Nick and I got healthy and lost some weight, and I finally had a job with some vacation time so we visited my best friend for a week in Los Angeles. Then we experienced a heartbreak we never knew was possible when we suddenly lost our little Chihuahua and the love of our lives, Chico, to complications from adrenal cancer. It happened so quickly that I’m still recovering from the trauma but my therapist has helped a lot. On the flip side, the year ended with a very much-wanted and planned pregnancy and the thrill of waiting to welcome our baby boy in the spring. My Instagrams (from my personal account) are a reflection of the year, with a focus on the positive so I’d like to share my favorite ones with you.

Spending a freezing winter morning in February with a cup of coffee and a book.

Chico is taking a rest in the fresh spring grass. We would soon learn that he had developed arthritis in his hips.

Spring in my neighborhood. This beautiful tree is in my neighbor’s yard and the color of the flowers against the color of the sky is stunning!

2016 was the year we got healthy and spent a lot of time eating better and working out at the gym.

Toes in the sand during a girls’ weekend at the beach.

My sweet, silly Chico with his eyes closed. I miss him more than anything.

Summer date night with sushi and beer. This was taken at the bottle shop.

Homemade churro cupcake for brunch club, courtesy of Nick. Yum!

NCsquared travels to Los Angeles, CA.

NCsquared in California. That’s the Santa Monica Pier behind us.

My sweet Mia. If ever there was a daddy’s girl dog, she is it.

Mia is getting a little brother in March!

This photo warms my heart. Mia has never been much for burrowing or being covered up (that was Chico’s expertise) but when I brought this blanket home, she fell in love with it and claimed it as her own. She even laid in it like this for a while.

24 weeks pregnant.

NCsquared at the Durham Holiday Parade.

Christmas dog. Mia waiting patiently until she can open her presents. She got a new squeaky toy and plenty of treats for Christmas.

Hello Monday Linkup | Confident Twosday

My birthday is New Year’s Eve and this year I turned 32. As a kid, it was awesome because I got to have a party or celebrate however I wanted and then stay up until the ball dropped, drinking sparkling grape juice. As an adult, it isn’t quite as glamorous simply because I now have to compete with the holiday. Kids always come to your birthday party because there are no bars or clubs or better things to do. Your party IS the thing to do. As an adult, you have to make your party pretty enticing to convince your adult friends to stop by before heading to the other festivities. I’ve been throwing a birthday/NYE party for myself for several years now and these are the reasons why I always try to have an amazing spread, fun decorations, a fun activity, and plenty of booze at my parties. With the baby expected to arrive in the spring, this was my last party for a while. But we made it pretty awesome!

The Food

Our menu consisted of black bean sliders with chipotle aioli, charcuterie tray, sausage balls, mini corn cakes with smoked salmon and dill, a veggie tray, a fruit tray, a dessert tray from our local Fresh Market, and some bomb-diggity short rib queso dip that I didn’t get a picture of because it was in a slow cooker on the counter.

We accompanied our charcuterie tray with cornichons, honey-roasted mixed nuts, and green olives.

In addition to all of this food, our friends also brought side dishes and drinks so we were definitely set on delicious noms all night!

The Decorations

I’ve been using the same decorations for years. I got them pretty cheap at Party City and box them up after the party and keep them safe until the next time. I think they work pretty well but Nick hates them because they do look so cheap. Oh, well. They’ll have to do until I can afford some fancy schmancy decorations, which will probably be never so plastic decorations it is!

The Fun Activity

This is another activity I do every year: setting up a resolution station. This year I simply taped some black craft paper on the wall and outlined it in strips of leftover glittery wrapping paper. I set out gold sharpies for my guests to write down their New Year’s Resolutions if they felt up to it. I have several resolutions this year that I’ll be sharing with you all tomorrow.

I’m really grateful to all of my friends that were able to make it this year. Like I mentioned above, it’s the last soirée we’ll be having since our little man is coming, so it was nice to feel like I went out with a bang!

Last couple selfie of 2016. It’ll be ‘just the two of us’ for only a few more months!