Monday is feeling a little like this outfit looks: not that great.

First, the outfit: It’s one of those combos that worked better in my head. The problem is the pants: they’re a pair I had before I got pregnant when I had a little more weight on my bones and now they’re just too loose to pair with this flowy top, so the whole thing looks too big. I have another pair of pants in mind that I think will look much better; they’re tighter and longer. Jeans look pretty good with it, though.

HOWEVER, this shirt is awesome. It’s from a new local boutique in Durham called Liberation Threads and their principal business practice is to only sell goods that are ethical and fair trade. This shirt is made from the leftover fabrics of other clothing, and it’s so soft and comfortable. I love the open back because it’s on trend without making me feel like my whole back is on display. Anyway, I only discovered Liberation Threads a few weeks ago and plan to become a regular there.

Next, the Monday: All Mondays are bad enough and, while there isn’t anything in particular about today, I’m just not feeling it. I had a not-so-great Friday and the weekend wasn’t long enough to offset the fatigue of having to be back at work and in the swing of things today. I’m sure these feelings will subside soon, but I’m just over it, y’all. Over. It. As I mentioned on my Facebook on Friday, I’m having a woe-is-me moment. I’m trying really hard to stay positive and keep things in perspective but I’m completely failing at it. I’m sure it won’t take long for me to see that things are fine and life is grand, and then I’ll bounce back to my usual happy self. But right now, I just feel sad and hopeless, and I don’t know what to do to not feel sad and hopeless. Maybe I just need a nap.

Top: via Liberation Threads | Trousers: Karen Kane via Stitch Fix | Shoes: via Ross | Necklaces: Old Navy

I know this is likely just a bump in the road and I’ll be fine. I just have to make it through another day. Another stinkin’ Monday.

Skip. Like what happens when you hear a loud clap of thunder that makes you jump up out of your chair, but instead I’m just sitting at my desk in my quiet office, staring at the computer screen.

Flutter. Like the butterflies you get in your stomach when you’re nervous, but instead it happens in my chest while I’m sitting quietly on the couch, watching the evening news.

Race. Like when you’re watching your favorite sports team hit the winning shot right at the buzzer, but instead I’m sitting in a bumper-to-bumper traffic jam.

These are the peculiar sensations I’ve been feeling in my chest lately. For the average person, they’re no big deal. For the anxious person, they’re pretty common. For someone who is about 3 months post-heart attack like me, they’re cause for concern. My primary care physician thought that these sensations were simply due to stress. She made me go to the cardiologist, who agreed that it was probably just stress because everything else looked fine, but hooked me up to a holter monitor just to be sure.

Holter monitor, hour 1

A holter monitor is a small, portable monitor that measures your heart’s rhythm. I wore this monitor for 48 hours last week. Every time I felt a skip, a flutter, or a racing sensation, I pressed a button on the side to record the sensation in the results and then I described in a little journal exactly what I felt and what I was doing when I felt it. At the end of the two days, someone read the monitor and compared it to the notes in my journal to figure out what was causing my heart to act up like this.

Holter monitor, 24 hours

My two biggest fears regarding the results were on opposite ends of the spectrum. On one hand, I was afraid that the results would come back totally normal and would not show anything wrong. You’d think this is the best case scenario, but for me and my anxious mind, it would mean that I’m just crazy and/or hallucinating these sensations when I absolutely KNEW I wasn’t. On the other hand, I was afraid that the results would come back showing something catastrophic, like my heart was giving out and I only had a few more days to live, all the while wondering how I even made it this long.

Holter monitor, hidden under my shirt and in my jeans pockets

I got the results back this week and, luckily, they were right where I’d want them to be, comforting every so slightly my chaotic mind. They found that my heart rhythm is normal and that the ‘fluttering’ sensations correlated with occasional premature heart beats. These are benign but can feel strange or abnormal. Ultimately, there is no clinical concern but I should try to control my stress levels, as stress exacerbates the prematurely timed beats.

So, I’m not going to die of heart failure any time soon, which is good news. I do feel the occasional skip and flutter but my mind doesn’t automatically assume the worst. I’m working on addressing the stress in my life, which is extremely difficult given that I’m a new mom with a hectic work schedule. I’m slowly getting to a point where, when I feel my heart make its weird beats, it feels a little more like this:

Skip. Like when I see Nick and Sebastian after a long day and it makes my heart skip a beat.

Flutter. Like when my closed eyelashes lightly brush against Nick’s closed eyelashes during a long kiss. 

Race. Like when Sebastian is about to roll over/crawl for the first time and I’m so nervous for him but I know he’s strong and can do it.