I had my first panic attack in graduate school at the age of 29. I’m not exactly sure what triggered it but it was probably a combination of being under a lot of stress as I was working on my master’s thesis, not getting much sleep, and drinking too much caffeine.

The morning of my episode, I began experiencing vision problems, my heart was racing, my hands started tingling and then went numb, I kind of felt like I was in a cloud, and I just kept thinking that something terrible was about to happen and I was going to die. I texted Nick to tell him that something was wrong and that I loved him. Then I broke down in uncontrollable sobs right before my friend and I were supposed to conduct an interview for one of our classes and my friend, Aarti — who was absolutely amazing through the whole ordeal — kept me calm and drove me to student health. She helped me sign in and waited with me the whole time. Aarti, you’re truly the best!

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When the student health doc couldn’t find anything physically wrong with me, she said, “Sometimes we think we feel things and that causes us to panic.” And that’s when I knew I had just experienced a panic attack. I looked up the symptoms and sure enough, it was text book. I also knew that some of my family members had similar experiences and were actually diagnosed with general anxiety disorder (GAD). I had a few more panic attacks after that but, because I knew what was happening, I was able to make it through them without incident.

Until I had a heart attack.

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After I experienced a postpartum heart attack, my anxiety skyrocketed. Every little pain, every twinge, every time I felt lightheaded, every time I felt even slightly “off,” sent me into panic mode. I was constantly talking myself off the ledge. It took me about two weeks to realize that my medication dosage was too high, which causing a lot of unpleasant symptoms, and once my doctor lowered the dose, I felt much better. I also started seeing a therapist who has been a tremendous help. She taught me to use grounding techniques – small activities incorporating the five senses that bring your focus back to the present — which have been a life changer! I still have panicked moments where I start to feel anxious, nervous, or scared for no logical reason but they do happen less frequently. And when they do happen, I resort to one of my grounding techniques and I am able to remain fairly calm until the moment passes.

I began to wonder if I’ll ever feel “normal” again, or if I was really going to have to live with this for the rest of my life. In search of more resources to help me cope, I came across the book On Edge: A Journey Through Anxiety by Wall Street Journal reporter Andrea Petersen. I just finished it and I feel like it has really put a lot of things into perspective.

photo source: Goodreads 

While I was expecting a memoir with some stats sprinkled in, this book was actually kind of the opposite. Petersen does weave her personal history with anxiety into the facts and stats, but I felt like the majority of the book discussed anxiety history, research, and treatment.  I was a psych major in college, I’ve already read that text book. Nonetheless, it’s still a good read. Sprinkling in her experiences as examples made the material more tolerable and you find yourself really relating to her, especially if you also suffer from an anxiety disorder. Her experiences helped to put things into perspective for me. Strangely, it makes me feel better that we share a lot of the same triggers (anything health-related) but that she also has triggers that I thankfully do not have, like driving on highways. My therapist is glad that the book resonated with me and that I was able to use it to examine the anxiety in my own life.

Petersen does a good job of covering the history of anxiety, including old and new research, as well as old and new treatments. She highlights studies that show how anxiety could be genetic, how it affects children, and she shares her personal stories of her family’s genetics and childhood anxiety. She also dives into the topic of current treatments that include everything from talk therapy, exposure therapy, and of course, good ol’ medications.

Confession: my therapist has talked to me about taking meds for my anxiety and I was teetering on the fence. I don’t particularly want to take medication but I will if it’s the only thing that will help. I would use it as a last resort. BUT, after reading about Petersen’s experiences with side effects of the different meds she tried, I don’t think I’m interested in taking them. Especially after the side effects I dealt with from my heart meds; I think I’d rather feel anxious. But I’m really interested to hear others’ experiences with anxiety and medications.

If you’re suffering from anxiety, want to know more about the history and existence of anxiety, or if you just want to take a look inside the mind of an anxious person, then I would recommend this book. It might change your understanding of the illness and make you a little kinder to yourself and/or more understanding of others who experience it.

Linking up with: Spread the Kindness

I’m a little jealous of Nick because he gets to wear shorts to work. Like, every single day. And not just for his current job but the one before that, too. I guess I understand it. Their work is online so I suppose there’s no need to dress to impress… there’s no one to impress but each other.

Taking a page from his book, I decided to wear these shorts to my own office. I figured if any office would allow it, it would an awesome nonprofit and if any shorts would be appropriate, it would be these. They’re classy and fancy and about the same length as any skirt I would feel comfortable wearing. When you pair them with a bright top and heels, you get a nice, polished look. I think I look pretty darn cute, and no one at my office complained.

Also, I got a haircut! I love this length and think I’ll stick to it for a while.

Anyway, happy Friday everyone! It’s been a long week and I’m ready for the freedom of the weekend. We’re thinking about painting our bathroom tomorrow – a project we’ve been meaning to do for years. I’m not even kidding, we’ve had two paint swatches on our bathroom wall for several years now. Here’s to hoping we can follow through this time.

Shirt, Shorts, and Shoes: Banana Republic | Necklace & Bracelet: Old Navy | Watch: Target | Handbag: Anne Klein via Belk

P.S. I could be a walking ad for Banana Republic in this outfit. I didn’t plan it, but all the pieces are from BR. Hey Banana, please pay me to be your real-life model?

This weekend, Nick and I went on a quick picnic date by the lake. It was doctor’s orders.

For the past few months, I’ve been experiencing a lot of health-related anxiety as a result of my surprise postpartum heart attack. I’ve been seeing a really great therapist for a little more than a month now, and I’m happy to report that my anxiety has subsided pretty significantly thanks to the grounding techniques she taught me. In our last session, she asked how my relationship with Nick was going. After a moment of silence, I said, “Things are good, but they could be better.” And it was true because it has been a while since Nick and I have really connected.

While I was busy focusing on keeping my anxiety-fueled freak outs at bay, Nick was focusing on keeping up with the day-to-day. We were constantly cleaning baby bottles, washing spit up off our clothes, and passing the baby back and forth; with that and work, we didn’t really have time for much else. When this became our norm, we stopped talking to each other about our life, our dreams and plans… hell, we barely even talked to each other about how our days were going. It was like we were on autopilot just trying to get through the days, and it was starting to feel like we were roommates working toward the same goal – to care for Sebastian and the house – instead of a husband and wife team running our lives together. I didn’t realize how easy it was to lose sight of important things like love and marriage when you’re spending all your time caring for a kid. Of course I’ve heard of it happening, but to other people. Right? I would never let that happen to me and my marriage. Right?

So my therapist suggested that we find a sitter for the baby and spend some quality time together, just the two of us, to reconnect a bit. And that’s what we did. We left the Sebmeister with Nana and PopPop and set out for a little picnic.

We settled down in a spot by the lake. We sat on our blanket and ate our little snacks and relaxed and talked. We chatted about the upgrades we want to do to the house, the vegetables I want to learn to pickle, and we made a little plan to get started, something we regularly did before Sebastian came along. We watched the boats drive by, pulling teenage boys on water skis. We discussed how cool it would be to live on a lake. Neither of us really care to have a boat but a jet ski would be awesome! As we watched three kids whiz past us on a jet ski, Nick said, “You probably wouldn’t let me go fast, would you? You’d be afraid of falling off.” I pointed out that falling off of a jet ski wouldn’t be too bad because I would land in the water.

Ultimately, we agreed that lakes are better than the ocean.

We had just gotten really comfortable on our blanket when big, fat rain drops started falling. They fell slowly, just enough to be slightly annoying. “This is like a metaphor for our lives,” I said. “We try to do something nice and simple for ourselves and then we get rained on.” Nick looked at me and replied, “Yeah, but what really matters is how you react to it. It’s just a few little drops, not a downpour. We’ll get through it.”

This is why Nick is my rock. He keeps me grounded and he helps me see that things aren’t always as bad as my mind makes them out to be. He calms the storm that the anxiety creates in my mind, and he loves me even when I’m at my worst.

Unfortunately our picnic was cut short by the rain as the slow, fat rain drops soon turned into a warm summer storm and we had to retreat to a covered shelter until it passed. But it served its purpose. We renewed our connection and promised that we would get better about regularly making time for each other in the future. We aren’t going to be undone by a few little rain drops. We always get through it.

Molly of Still Being Molly shared a really fun post last week where she listed 50 random things about her that no one knew or even asks about, and then encouraged her readers to do the same.

I used to LIVE for these questionnaire-type surveys way back in the day when I was in middle and early high school. I would fill them out with answers that I thought made me sound super cool and then forward it to ALL of my friends. I basically answered the same questions over and over and over with enough XoXo’s and ~*~*~’s to make you want to vomit. But it was fun and one of my favorite things about the early internet, and now Molly has basically given me permission to do it again! So here goes 🙂

1. What’s your favorite candle scent?
Anything that smells like clean laundry. I don’t really care for super sweet or food scents so fresh laundry, or just clean in general, is the way to go.

2. What female celebrity do you wish you were related to?
Amy Poehler. She’s my spirit animal.

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3. What male celebrity do you wish was your brother?
Chris Pratt. He seems like he would be a fun and caring brother

4. What’s your favorite thing about marriage? (And if you’re not married, what’s your favorite thing about being single?)
Knowing that no matter what may come our way, Nick and I will face it together. There’s nothing I have to do on my own if I don’t want to, and vice versa. We’re always there for each other and it makes life a little easier.

5. What’s one thing you own that you should probably get rid of, but just can’t?
I have a box of old t-shirts that I never wear, but I don’t want to get rid of them because they’re very meaningful to me. For example, there are some from plays I did in college, sport teams, etc. I’ve thought about finding someone who can make them into a quilt for me, but I just can’t get rid of them.

6. Can you do a split?
Unfortunately, I cannot.

7. How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike?
I’m sure I was like 5 or 6. I don’t remember a lot about riding bikes when I was a kid because I lived in a very rural area so there wasn’t anywhere to ride them.

8. How many oceans have you swam in?
Sadly, only one. The Atlantic ocean.

9. How many countries have you been to?
Only this one.

10. Is anyone in your family in the army?
My grandfather was in the army, my father was in the national guard, and my aunt was in the navy.

11. What was your favorite TV show when you were a child?
I remember loving the TGIF lineup on ABC, which included Family Matters, Boy Meets World, Full House, Step-by-Step, Perfect Strangers, etc. I also loved a claymation series called Bump in the Night that featured a cute little green monster named Mr. Bumpy who lived under the bed of a little boy and ate his socks.

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12. What did you dress up as on Halloween when you were eight?
I think that was the year I dressed up as Princess Jasmine.

13. Have you read any of the Harry Potter, Hunger Games or Twilight series?
Yes, I’ve read all three.

14. Would you rather have an American accent or a British accent?
It would be cool to have a British accent but I don’t hate my American one.

15. Have you ever taken karate lessons?
No 🙁 But my brother did when he was a kid, so that’s cool.

16. Do you know who Kermit the frog is?
Yes. It ain’t easy being green.

17. What’s the first amusement park you’ve been to?
Ghost Town in the Sky, which used to exist in Western NC. And then after that, Carowinds.

18. What language, besides your native language, would you like to be fluent in?
I’m mostly fluent in Spanish but I would like to be even more fluent. Then I would like to learn French or Italian.

19. Do you spell the color as grey or gray?
Gray.

20. Do you know triplets?
Nope, sure don’t.

21. Do you prefer Titanic or The Notebook?
I have fond memories of Titanic, as it was the movie I was watching when I first french kissed a boy! I was 13 years old.

22. Have you ever had Indian food?
It’s some of my favorite food!

23. What’s the name of your favorite restaurant?
Mateos bar de tapas; Nanataco; and Chico’s. But I love food so I’ll eat pretty much anywhere!

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24. Have you ever been to Olive Garden?
Yes. The salad and bread sticks are worth it. Sorry not sorry.

25. What would your parents have named you if you were the opposite gender?
I’m not sure about the boy name, but they almost named me Heather Lynn… how’s that for a southern name?

26. If you have a nickname, what is it?
The friends I met through my last job call me Nikki Nicole. This is because, when I was younger, there were a few times someone would ask what my middle name is and I would tell them Nicole and they thought my name was Nikki Nicole  because they didn’t realize that Nikki is short for Nicole.

27. Who’s your favorite person in the world? 
My son and my husband. It’s a tie.

28. Would you rather live in a rural area or in the suburbs?
I’ve lived in both and I enjoy the suburbs much more than the rural area. There’s more to do, a greater sense of community, and less travel time to most places.

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29. Can you whistle?
Nope! I try so hard but I just can’t get it.

30. Do you sleep with a nightlight?
Yes, actually, I do. Sebastian still sleeps in our room with us and I like to have a little bit of light so I can see him when I get up to nurse in the middle of the night but I don’t want too much light that it wakes us all up completely, making it hard to fall back to sleep.

31. Do you eat breakfast every morning?
Yes. Sometimes it’s while I’m getting ready for work, sometimes it’s in the car, and sometimes it’s after I’ve already gotten to work but I eat every morning. The hectic nature in which I eat my breakfast during the week is why I value taking my time during breakfast/brunch on the weekends.

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32. How many times have you been to the hospital?
None up until recently and then twice in the past year. The first time to give birth to Sebastian and the second time to receive treatment for a postpartum heart attack.

33. Have you ever seen Finding Nemo?
Several times. The first time I saw it was at the theater on campus when I was in undergrad.

34. Where do you buy your jeans?
Old Navy, Gap, and sometimes Stitch Fix

35. What’s the last compliment you got?
How adorable my baby is, and how good I look since having him and/or since my heart attack.

36. Do you usually remember your dreams in the morning?
Almost always. Especially the ones with the same themes, which is most often that I’m in a new location (usually a hotel or place of business) and I’m trying to find my room/destination but I just can’t. The elevator never takes me to the correct floor or something else happens so that I never reach my destination

37. Favorite beverage that isn’t water?
Does coconut water count? If not, then I drink a lot of coffee and Pepsi.

38. How many pairs of shoes do you currently own?
Too many! I’ve never counted them but I would estimate I have around 30 pairs. One of my goals this year is to pare down my collection to only the shoes I absolutely love.

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39. How old were you when you found out that Santa wasn’t real?
Probably around 5? My dad says I was always asking questions about how Santa got into our house since we didn’t have a chimney so I probably figured it out pretty early.

40. What is one food that you used to hate but now you love?
Brussels sprouts. Especially when they’re roasted with a little bit of apple cider vinegar, brown sugar, and pancetta. Yum!

41. What is a weird lie you’ve told?
Probably that I really like something when I actually don’t. Or maybe I just don’t care about it as much as I made it believe.

42. Heels or flats?
As I get older, I find myself gravitating toward flats… or at the very least, lower heels.

43. Do you have any weird phobias?
Phobias, no. Anxiety, all of them.

44. What is a phrase or word you always say?
“I love it.” Because I’m trying to find the good in everything, I suppose.

45. What is a song that you bast or belt out when you are alone?
Despacito (the original one, not the Justin Beiber version) “Firmo en las paredes de tu laberinto!”

46. What is one of your biggest pet peeves?
Lately it’s how everyone feels they can freely comment on my plans to have more children. They don’t realize how hurtful they’re being when they say, “you should have more kids!” or “when are you having another one?” because they don’t know my situation.

47. Do you sleep with your closet door open or closed?
Closed. I can’t sleep if it’s open.

48. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?
Bees. I feel like I’d have a much better chance of survival with the bees.

49. Do you have any weird things you do?
I have a lot of weird things that I do.

50. What movie could you watch over and over again and still love?
To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar.

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Moana.

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And it’s not a movie, but I am obsessed with Parks & Recreation; it’s my favorite show in the whole wide world.

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The hardest thing for me about being a working mother is dropping Sebastian off at daycare every morning. If I had my way about it, I would cuddle him all day long until he was old enough to leave for college. But I can’t, so daycare it is. The next hardest thing is pumping at work. It isn’t really that difficult, but it is a pain in the rear end to have to stop what I’m doing every 2 to 3 hours to hook the ladies up to a machine to extract my baby’s liquid gold.

Surprisingly, my office does not have a specific lactation room where I can pump undisturbed. I say it’s surprising because I work for a women’s health organization that wants women to have all the choices. I supposed it’s hard to walk the walk sometimes, but I digress. For a while I was pumping three times a day in a vacant office but then they hired someone to fill it and I either had to get creative or pump in my team’s bathroom. So here’s what I do: I pump at my desk in my cubicle.

Cramped quarters, but it gets the job done

To do this, I purchased a tension rod and curtain panel to place in the doorway of my cubicle so I can have some privacy. This works for me because we have tall cube walls, and our office space used to be an apartment building. My team is located in an area that used to be a small apartment and there are only  5 people on my team who use the space, so I actually have a lot of privacy already. Add in the fact that we have very little foot traffic on our floor and I was able to create a little space for pumping.

Curtain door to provide some privacy

I placed a clip on either side of the doorway to secure the curtain in place so there aren’t any gaps between wall and curtain. I didn’t want to take any chances that the curtain would blow open or something like that when someone does walk by. It’s still a pain to have to have to stop what I’m doing to get set up, but I don’t have to leave my desk so my flow doesn’t get too interrupted.

Clipped on the sides to prevent gaps

I’m not going to lie, I would love to leave my curtain-door up all day long so that no one bothered me, but I can’t. So the rest of the time, I’ve clipped it to the side so it isn’t in the way, and to let my coworkers know it’s alright to approach me. Lately I’ve tried to fold it a little neater when I clip so it doesn’t look like a hot mess (like in the photo below) but as long as it’s out of the way, I don’t usually worry about it.

Clipped out of the way the rest of the time

Even thought we have tall cubicle walls, I’ve warned my coworker who sits in the cube right beside me to be careful when he stands up because he’s really tall and can probably see over the wall. That’s more for his comfort than for mine; it’s pretty amazing how little modesty one has when one becomes used to whipping out a breast to feed a baby. The only other con is that if my boss or other coworker isn’t paying attention, they’ll run right into the tension rod when they walk into my cube. But as long as they’re alert, it isn’t usually a problem.

So, that’s how I turned lemons into lemonade. I figure I only have to keep doing this for the next 9+ months until Sebastian starts eating PB&J sandwiches, right? 🙂

Have you ever had to get creative/resourceful for work?