Skip. Like what happens when you hear a loud clap of thunder that makes you jump up out of your chair, but instead I’m just sitting at my desk in my quiet office, staring at the computer screen.

Flutter. Like the butterflies you get in your stomach when you’re nervous, but instead it happens in my chest while I’m sitting quietly on the couch, watching the evening news.

Race. Like when you’re watching your favorite sports team hit the winning shot right at the buzzer, but instead I’m sitting in a bumper-to-bumper traffic jam.

These are the peculiar sensations I’ve been feeling in my chest lately. For the average person, they’re no big deal. For the anxious person, they’re pretty common. For someone who is about 3 months post-heart attack like me, they’re cause for concern. My primary care physician thought that these sensations were simply due to stress. She made me go to the cardiologist, who agreed that it was probably just stress because everything else looked fine, but hooked me up to a holter monitor just to be sure.

Holter monitor, hour 1

A holter monitor is a small, portable monitor that measures your heart’s rhythm. I wore this monitor for 48 hours last week. Every time I felt a skip, a flutter, or a racing sensation, I pressed a button on the side to record the sensation in the results and then I described in a little journal exactly what I felt and what I was doing when I felt it. At the end of the two days, someone read the monitor and compared it to the notes in my journal to figure out what was causing my heart to act up like this.

Holter monitor, 24 hours

My two biggest fears regarding the results were on opposite ends of the spectrum. On one hand, I was afraid that the results would come back totally normal and would not show anything wrong. You’d think this is the best case scenario, but for me and my anxious mind, it would mean that I’m just crazy and/or hallucinating these sensations when I absolutely KNEW I wasn’t. On the other hand, I was afraid that the results would come back showing something catastrophic, like my heart was giving out and I only had a few more days to live, all the while wondering how I even made it this long.

Holter monitor, hidden under my shirt and in my jeans pockets

I got the results back this week and, luckily, they were right where I’d want them to be, comforting every so slightly my chaotic mind. They found that my heart rhythm is normal and that the ‘fluttering’ sensations correlated with occasional premature heart beats. These are benign but can feel strange or abnormal. Ultimately, there is no clinical concern but I should try to control my stress levels, as stress exacerbates the prematurely timed beats.

So, I’m not going to die of heart failure any time soon, which is good news. I do feel the occasional skip and flutter but my mind doesn’t automatically assume the worst. I’m working on addressing the stress in my life, which is extremely difficult given that I’m a new mom with a hectic work schedule. I’m slowly getting to a point where, when I feel my heart make its weird beats, it feels a little more like this:

Skip. Like when I see Nick and Sebastian after a long day and it makes my heart skip a beat.

Flutter. Like when my closed eyelashes lightly brush against Nick’s closed eyelashes during a long kiss. 

Race. Like when Sebastian is about to roll over/crawl for the first time and I’m so nervous for him but I know he’s strong and can do it. 

I had my first panic attack in graduate school at the age of 29. I’m not exactly sure what triggered it but it was probably a combination of being under a lot of stress as I was working on my master’s thesis, not getting much sleep, and drinking too much caffeine.

The morning of my episode, I began experiencing vision problems, my heart was racing, my hands started tingling and then went numb, I kind of felt like I was in a cloud, and I just kept thinking that something terrible was about to happen and I was going to die. I texted Nick to tell him that something was wrong and that I loved him. Then I broke down in uncontrollable sobs right before my friend and I were supposed to conduct an interview for one of our classes and my friend, Aarti — who was absolutely amazing through the whole ordeal — kept me calm and drove me to student health. She helped me sign in and waited with me the whole time. Aarti, you’re truly the best!

photo source

When the student health doc couldn’t find anything physically wrong with me, she said, “Sometimes we think we feel things and that causes us to panic.” And that’s when I knew I had just experienced a panic attack. I looked up the symptoms and sure enough, it was text book. I also knew that some of my family members had similar experiences and were actually diagnosed with general anxiety disorder (GAD). I had a few more panic attacks after that but, because I knew what was happening, I was able to make it through them without incident.

Until I had a heart attack.

photo source

After I experienced a postpartum heart attack, my anxiety skyrocketed. Every little pain, every twinge, every time I felt lightheaded, every time I felt even slightly “off,” sent me into panic mode. I was constantly talking myself off the ledge. It took me about two weeks to realize that my medication dosage was too high, which causing a lot of unpleasant symptoms, and once my doctor lowered the dose, I felt much better. I also started seeing a therapist who has been a tremendous help. She taught me to use grounding techniques – small activities incorporating the five senses that bring your focus back to the present — which have been a life changer! I still have panicked moments where I start to feel anxious, nervous, or scared for no logical reason but they do happen less frequently. And when they do happen, I resort to one of my grounding techniques and I am able to remain fairly calm until the moment passes.

I began to wonder if I’ll ever feel “normal” again, or if I was really going to have to live with this for the rest of my life. In search of more resources to help me cope, I came across the book On Edge: A Journey Through Anxiety by Wall Street Journal reporter Andrea Petersen. I just finished it and I feel like it has really put a lot of things into perspective.

photo source: Goodreads 

While I was expecting a memoir with some stats sprinkled in, this book was actually kind of the opposite. Petersen does weave her personal history with anxiety into the facts and stats, but I felt like the majority of the book discussed anxiety history, research, and treatment.  I was a psych major in college, I’ve already read that text book. Nonetheless, it’s still a good read. Sprinkling in her experiences as examples made the material more tolerable and you find yourself really relating to her, especially if you also suffer from an anxiety disorder. Her experiences helped to put things into perspective for me. Strangely, it makes me feel better that we share a lot of the same triggers (anything health-related) but that she also has triggers that I thankfully do not have, like driving on highways. My therapist is glad that the book resonated with me and that I was able to use it to examine the anxiety in my own life.

Petersen does a good job of covering the history of anxiety, including old and new research, as well as old and new treatments. She highlights studies that show how anxiety could be genetic, how it affects children, and she shares her personal stories of her family’s genetics and childhood anxiety. She also dives into the topic of current treatments that include everything from talk therapy, exposure therapy, and of course, good ol’ medications.

Confession: my therapist has talked to me about taking meds for my anxiety and I was teetering on the fence. I don’t particularly want to take medication but I will if it’s the only thing that will help. I would use it as a last resort. BUT, after reading about Petersen’s experiences with side effects of the different meds she tried, I don’t think I’m interested in taking them. Especially after the side effects I dealt with from my heart meds; I think I’d rather feel anxious. But I’m really interested to hear others’ experiences with anxiety and medications.

If you’re suffering from anxiety, want to know more about the history and existence of anxiety, or if you just want to take a look inside the mind of an anxious person, then I would recommend this book. It might change your understanding of the illness and make you a little kinder to yourself and/or more understanding of others who experience it.

Linking up with: Spread the Kindness

Hey everyone!

Things are looking a bit different around here but don’t worry, you’re in the right place. NCsquared Life is now Nikki by example, but you’ll still find all of my cute outfits, life goals, and then some, including a new name and *hopefully* improved content. I decided it was time to rebrand because life has changed so much over the past few months. Nick and I are no longer just the two NCs since we welcomed our son, Sebastian, into the world in April. Nick doesn’t participated in sharing his outfis or DIY projects anymore but that’s okay because I’ll still try to share them with you. Also, I’m looking to expand my writing and get a little more creative. With all that’s happening, NCsquared Life felt a bit limiting, and so Nikki by example was born.

My happy little family!

I chose this name as a play on the phrase “leading by example.” I believe it’s going to be really important for my son to see me leading by example the values and actions that I want him to live. I also felt it would reflect that my writing, outfits, life hacks, stories, etc. are me living my most authentic life. And in that same vein, I hope it inspires me to get out there, do more, take more chances, and to truly lead by example.

photo source

Welcome to my little corner of the world! If you’re a long-time reader, you’ll find the same – but improved! – content as before and plenty more where it came from. If you’re a new reader, I’m so glad you stopped by. I hope you like what you see and will stick around on this journey with me. So, here I am, Nikki by example!

I’m only 32 years old.

I’m only 32 years old and super healthy.

And yet I had a heart attack over memorial day weekend. It was a shock to everyone… me, my family, my friends, and my doctors.

I think it was this video – and a few online articles – that helped me recognize just what was going on. I really encourage you to watch the video, read the articles, and familiarize yourself with the signs because it just might save your life. Here’s my story:

I woke up on Saturday morning feeling completely normal. I nursed Sebastian and when I laid back down in bed, I immediately started feeling pain and a tightening sensation in my chest, jaw pain that felt like I had been clenching my mouth closed for hours, and a weird discomfort in my left arm. I didn’t know exactly what was happening at first but I knew something wasn’t right. I stood up and started pacing around my bedroom, telling Nick that I didn’t feel good and I was afraid it was something serious this time. I said “this time” because I have a history of anxiety and having panic attacks and, while panic attacks are very disturbing and certainly feel ominous, they aren’t usually life threatening.  This was different, though. It felt wrong. We decided to go to urgent care where they determined that I had really high blood pressure (which is normally on the low side for me) and abnormal EKG results, so the doctor sent me to the emergency room. He didn’t say it but it was pretty obvious that something serious was happening.

In the ER, several blood tests revealed elevated enzymes that are only present when there has been damage to the heart muscle. This really alarmed the doctors because they had never seen these results in someone so young and healthy. They moved me to the ICU, and after a procedure where they inserted a catheter into the arteries around my heart — and finding no clogs or other blockages — the doctors finally concluded that I must have had a small tear in the coronary artery, called a dissection. Due to lack of risk factors, they also determined it was likely pregnancy related, as pregnancy itself causes a lot of strain on the heart. Essentially, they think the tear caused the lining of my artery to flap up and block blood flow to my heart, resulting in the heart attack. But, luckily, the flap was pushed back down into place pretty quickly and began repairing itself. Good job to my body on that one!

Cuddling with my Sebastian monkey after being moved out of the ICU.

My official diagnosis is Coronary Artery Dissection. Apparently, while this type of heart issue is rare, it is a common type of heart attack/issue in pregnant and postpartum women. They’ve put me on several medications for the next year that will thin my blood, keep my blood pressure stable, and help protect my heart as it continues to heal. I will also have many follow up appointments in the coming weeks and months.

A few months ago, I shared with you some silly conversations I’ve had with my husband, Nick, as a mushy little tribute to him and his ability to always make me laugh. One of the reasons we’re complete opposites is because he has a very dry, sarcastic sense of humor while mine is very silly, and it makes for some interesting exchanges. And as such, these silly exchanges just keep on coming. Today I thought I would share some more little conversations with you in hopes of making you chuckle to brighten up this gray and dreary Tuesday.

It’s like he reads my mind.
Me: I feel really weak.
Nick: That’s because you’re sick and haven’t been eating well. Don’t worry, you’re not going to die of weakness overnight.

Womp, womp.
Me: Let’s tell each other jokes all day
Nick: You know I don’t know jokes
Me: Hmm, make some up
[pause] Nick: How many miles did your car have?
Me: Idk, how many? 😀
Nick: I don’t remember, that’s why I asked
Me: Oh, I thought it was a joke

My very own Ron Swanson.
Me: Give me a list of the tools you want.
Nicholas: Oh man…that’s a broad question.  All of them?
Me: Sure (thinking he was asking if I wanted him to list *all* the tools he wants)
Nicholas: No, I mean all of them. I want all of the tools.
Me: LOL, okay
Nicholas: No wait, I’m afraid what you heard was I want a lot of tools. What I said was I want ALL of the tools!

photo source

While listening to 90s R&B as we painted our bedroom, No Scrubs came on.
Nick: That’s just prudent; why would they both need to drive their cars downtown?
Me: It’s because he doesn’t have a car of his own.
Nick: Well, that’s different
Me: Don’t act like you don’t know what TLC is bringing to you, son!

Right after we got married.
I walk out of the bedroom this morning to make my coffee and find Nick sitting on the couch with his tablet. He looks up at me and says, “I made your coffee…because that’s what husbands do.” This is definitely love.

Once again, I believe that not only do we make a great team, but we’re also really fun to be around. There’s never a dull moment! These conversations are just one of the many, many reasons I love him so much.