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Nikki by example - Just a girl trying to lead by example
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  • Motherhood
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  • Extras
    • DIY
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  • About Nikki
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Life

Feeling Anxious & My Review of On Edge: A Journey Through Anxiety

August 23, 2017 by Nikki 11 Comments

I had my first panic attack in graduate school at the age of 29. I’m not exactly sure what triggered it but it was probably a combination of being under a lot of stress as I was working on my master’s thesis, not getting much sleep, and drinking too much caffeine.

The morning of my episode, I began experiencing vision problems, my heart was racing, my hands started tingling and then went numb, I kind of felt like I was in a cloud, and I just kept thinking that something terrible was about to happen and I was going to die. I texted Nick to tell him that something was wrong and that I loved him. Then I broke down in uncontrollable sobs right before my friend and I were supposed to conduct an interview for one of our classes and my friend, Aarti — who was absolutely amazing through the whole ordeal — kept me calm and drove me to student health. She helped me sign in and waited with me the whole time. Aarti, you’re truly the best!

photo source

photo source

When the student health doc couldn’t find anything physically wrong with me, she said, “Sometimes we think we feel things and that causes us to panic.” And that’s when I knew I had just experienced a panic attack. I looked up the symptoms and sure enough, it was text book. I also knew that some of my family members had similar experiences and were actually diagnosed with general anxiety disorder (GAD). I had a few more panic attacks after that but, because I knew what was happening, I was able to make it through them without incident.

Until I had a heart attack.

photo source

photo source

After I experienced a postpartum heart attack, my anxiety skyrocketed. Every little pain, every twinge, every time I felt lightheaded, every time I felt even slightly “off,” sent me into panic mode. I was constantly talking myself off the ledge. It took me about two weeks to realize that my medication dosage was too high, which causing a lot of unpleasant symptoms, and once my doctor lowered the dose, I felt much better. I also started seeing a therapist who has been a tremendous help. She taught me to use grounding techniques – small activities incorporating the five senses that bring your focus back to the present — which have been a life changer! I still have panicked moments where I start to feel anxious, nervous, or scared for no logical reason but they do happen less frequently. And when they do happen, I resort to one of my grounding techniques and I am able to remain fairly calm until the moment passes.

I began to wonder if I’ll ever feel “normal” again, or if I was really going to have to live with this for the rest of my life. In search of more resources to help me cope, I came across the book On Edge: A Journey Through Anxiety by Wall Street Journal reporter Andrea Petersen. I just finished it and I feel like it has really put a lot of things into perspective.

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photo source: Goodreads 

While I was expecting a memoir with some stats sprinkled in, this book was actually kind of the opposite. Petersen does weave her personal history with anxiety into the facts and stats, but I felt like the majority of the book discussed anxiety history, research, and treatment.  I was a psych major in college, I’ve already read that text book. Nonetheless, it’s still a good read. Sprinkling in her experiences as examples made the material more tolerable and you find yourself really relating to her, especially if you also suffer from an anxiety disorder. Her experiences helped to put things into perspective for me. Strangely, it makes me feel better that we share a lot of the same triggers (anything health-related) but that she also has triggers that I thankfully do not have, like driving on highways. My therapist is glad that the book resonated with me and that I was able to use it to examine the anxiety in my own life.

Petersen does a good job of covering the history of anxiety, including old and new research, as well as old and new treatments. She highlights studies that show how anxiety could be genetic, how it affects children, and she shares her personal stories of her family’s genetics and childhood anxiety. She also dives into the topic of current treatments that include everything from talk therapy, exposure therapy, and of course, good ol’ medications.

Confession: my therapist has talked to me about taking meds for my anxiety and I was teetering on the fence. I don’t particularly want to take medication but I will if it’s the only thing that will help. I would use it as a last resort. BUT, after reading about Petersen’s experiences with side effects of the different meds she tried, I don’t think I’m interested in taking them. Especially after the side effects I dealt with from my heart meds; I think I’d rather feel anxious. But I’m really interested to hear others’ experiences with anxiety and medications.

If you’re suffering from anxiety, want to know more about the history and existence of anxiety, or if you just want to take a look inside the mind of an anxious person, then I would recommend this book. It might change your understanding of the illness and make you a little kinder to yourself and/or more understanding of others who experience it.

Linking up with: Spread the Kindness

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Health•Life

Four Years

May 27, 2021 by Nikki No Comments

I haven’t been posting regularly, but I am still here. And this is especially relevant today.

On this day four summers ago, on the start of Memorial Day Weekend 2017, I suffered a heart attack at 32 years old.

I had just returned to a new job from a very brief maternity leave (only 6 weeks) and was looking forward to a long weekend of baby snuggles and a nice family picnic. However, instead of spending that time on a colorful blanket in the warm sunshine with my boys, I spent it in a cold, bright hospital room in the cardiac ICU recovering from a spontaneous coronary artery dissection (SCAD). It was truly one of the scariest things to ever happen to me and my family, and there were so many questions, some of which are still unanswered.

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Hobby•Life

Gratitude Month: Week 4

November 30, 2020 by Nikki No Comments

I’ve concluded the final week of practicing gratitude every day this month for National Gratitude Month.

Here’s what I was thankful for:

Day 22: I’m thankful for podcasts. It took me a while to jump onto the bandwagon but now it’s one of my favorite forms of entertainment. I’m realizing I mostly like podcasts that teach me something, but I’m grateful for the variety that’s out there.

Day 23: I’m thankful for candles. Here lately I’ve been lighting a scented candle in my office while I work. The warmth of the flame and the sweet smell of “autumn wreath” have had a very uplifting effect on my mood. I’m grateful for something so simple.

Day 24: I’m thankful for therapy and Xanax. I have a wonderful therapist who does a great job of validating my feelings while helping me to reframe my negative thoughts. Sometimes I just need someone to whom I can unload all of my stress and anxiety, and she helps me figure out how to make it more manageable. And on the days when it is simply too much to handle and none of the reframing, meditation, or grounding works, I can turn to the medication to calm my racing thoughts and pounding heart. I’ll never be ashamed of getting help when and where I need it, and I hope that in sharing my experiences, others will seek help without fear or shame. For this, I am grateful.

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Life

Gratitude Month: Week 3

November 23, 2020 by Nikki No Comments

I’ve concluded the yet another week of practicing gratitude every day this month for National Gratitude Month.

Here’s what I was thankful for:

Day 15: In light of all that we’ve been through this year, I’m grateful that I’m still able to find joy where I can. For example, normally I’m one of those people who believes we absolutely should wait until one holiday passes before we celebrate the next. Thanksgiving first and then Christmas. But this year, we’ve thrown it all to the wind and it’s so much fun to do what we want! I decorated for Halloween at the end of August and we put up our Christmas tree on Sunday. While we haven’t fully decorated our tree yet, it does have lights and those lights make me extremely happy, filling me with cheer and hope even as the days get shorter and the nights get colder and the coronavirus cases spike again. We may just leave this tree up for all of 2021.

Day 16:  I’m thankful that sometimes things aren’t always as bad as they may initially seem. When you suffer from anxiety, there’s a tendency to always overthink and misread. Luckily, things often work out just fine despite our worst fears, and I’m very grateful for that. Last month I made a very tough–and honestly, stupid–decision to leave my current job at the end of the month to pursue something I’m more passionate about. I’ve been miserable at work for a while now (what else is new?) and it has been affecting my physical and mental health. I don’t have anything concrete lined up yet but a few things are in the works so I have hope and am thankful that I’m able to take this huge leap right now at a time when everything is so uncertain.

Day 17: I’m grateful for tummy tickles and blissful laughter at bedtime. Parenting is hard. Being a 3.5 year old with big feelings and little control over them is hard. So when we get a chance to just play and laugh, we take it even if delays bedtime. Tonight, after reading our bedtime stories, I laid in Sebastian’s bed with him and tickled him while he laughed and just enjoyed the time I get to spend with him. He’s growing up so fast so I’m incredibly thankful for these little moments.

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Life•Wedding

Cheers to 9 Years! A Love Letter to My Husband on our Anniversary

October 1, 2020 by Nikki No Comments

You know those cute little elderly couples you see on the news or social media who dress in matching outfits and are unknowingly photographed doing little things to demonstrate just how much they still love each other after all these years? I used to read about those couples and wonder if it was true. It seemed like over time love would eventually fade away or get lost between deepening wrinkles. It just seemed to make sense that you would probably get to so used to being together that the other person became nothing more than a presence. People grow apart, after all, and there are countless books written and movies made about escaping loveless marriages with boring partners. Could you really could fall in love with someone and stay in love with them for the rest of your life?

The answer is yes.

I know this because in August 2003, I met the man who has proven to me time and time again just how true it is. And today we’ve been married for 9 phenomenal years!

Nikki by example | www.nikkibyexample.com

My amazing husband, Nick.

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About Me

Hi, I’m Nikki. This is where I blog about my life and personal style. I’m a wife and mom, public health professional, sushi lover, wine enthusiast, and coffee snob. Welcome to my little corner of the world where I try to lead by example!

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